i got my tickets today for my flight to sydney. how weird to be holding pieces of paper that represent the next five months of my life. i can't believe it's actually happening.
today my ipod randomly(we're talking out of 5000 songs here) played three of my songs in a row, and then one that had been written for me. the weirdest thing about it was that the last of my songs and the one about me were about the same experience, but from our two points of view. brett and i were talking about perception and the self the other night, and i made the simple(and obvious) observation that you perceive someone as one way, then something happens to change it or they act a way you didn't expect, and you must revamp what you think about that person. each new experience with them gives you a little more insight into how they perceive themselves, and i feel like that is what understanding is- you can see them how they see themselves.
that coupled with the thing with my ipod, made me think.
writing is hard. writing a song can take weeks or even months just to get one line, can wake you in the middle of night fully formed, or can come out of you one stanza at a time until it's completed. i've never been able to sit down and say 'i'm going to write a song', let alone to specify what it will be about. when i've tried to do that i'm just never happy with it, and it doesn't say the things i'm trying to convey or sound the way i want. it feels forced-is forced- and when i write without purpose or intention, i find that that there is much more of me in the music, and that that me is a lot barer.
it's so interesting to me how even words, which have clear definitions, can mean so many different things for different people. i'm often afraid to play my songs if there's anyone i'm close to in the audience because writing a song, playing a song, makes you very vulnerable. and perhaps the only thing that makes you more so is when you're playing it for the person it's about. i've had that experience twice and was scared as shit both times. and usually i feel like if i made some big speech they wouldn't really want to hear it, but that if it's in a song there's somehow less pressure- that they'll perceive what i'm saying the way i want them to. my whole idea behind it is, if they hear it maybe they'll be a bit little bit closer to understanding the way i feel and seeing me the way i see myself. because there are few things, if any, more personal than music.
i guess i'm just hoping that the next time i play a song for the person i wrote it for, they understand a little more.