Thursday, February 1, 2007

existential ambition

mom and i had dinner last night, and somehow ended up talking about my life and my relationships. i told her how i was feeling about going to australia and seeing liam, how i feel about that whole thing now. i told her about how hard it was to leave my friends at school and to leave andrew, which i both had and had not been expecting. we talked about friendships; how sometimes i feel like the ones i have are so tenuous, but in reality some of them are so strong i couldn't break them if i tried.

i'm excited to go to australia. i feel that i'm doing something very brave, and kind of out of the ordinary for me. and i feel like, had everything with liam not happened, i wouldn't be going anywhere. i think being forced to look critically at my life made me want to do something scary. and i'm ready for it.

i'm looking forward to being somewhere where no one really knows me except for christiana and liam, and to being open to anything that may happen. i know that i'll come back from australia a little bit different; i'm hoping to really get to know myself while i'm there. i feel like for so long i've been playing off of other people and what they think of me to create who i am. and when i felt like i was known(which is rare) for the real me this year, even though it was only a tiny part of me, it made me want to know myself better than i do. so i guess i'm hoping that i'll find a little bit more of myself there.

i've learned a lot through high school and college, this last year especially, about who i am and why i do the things i do. i feel as though there is something forming in me, some small thing that reminds me that i'm getting to know myself better every day. it may still be on the smallish side, but it's solid, and comforting, to know that i like who i am, and that i'm actively seeking to know more. there's still a lot to learn, and i know that i'll keep discovering new things about myself until the day i die.

so while i'm scared and nervous about being in a new place, making new friends, seeing liam again, being away from those i love, i know that it's an experience that will help me grow in ways i can't even imagine.

life has a lot to offer me, and i'm learning to reach out my hand and take it.

but i know
there's so much more to find-
just looking through myself, and not at them
still, i know to trust my own true mind
and to say: there's a way through this...

on i go,
to wonder and to learning
name the stars and know their dark returning
the hunger that a child feels for everything they're shown.

you watch me-
just watch me-
i'm calling,
and one day all will know


'all that's known' - spring awakening

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